Hollywood Squares:

These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood
Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are
now.  Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course...


Q.  Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat? 
A.  Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of
the show!) 

Q. Do female frogs croak? 
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough. 

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you
be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. 

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. 
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes. 

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep.  Are you probably a man or a
woman? 
A.  Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you
think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's
married? 
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? 
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'? 
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'? 
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment. 

Q. As  you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands
while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll
give you a gesture you'll never forget. 

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? 
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. 

Q.  Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries.  Are you going to
get any during the first year?
A.  Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries. 

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? 
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.
One is politics, what is the other? 
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures..

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? 
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom. 

Q.  Can boys join the  Camp   Fire  Girls? 
A.  Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail.  What will a goose
do? 
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? 
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark. 

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the
habit of kissing a lot of people? 
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army. 

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? 
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,
what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
elephant? 
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? 
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him. 

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has
actually seen them on at least two occasions.  What are they? 
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in
bed? 
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh. 

WE  DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP
LAUGHING!

Catholic Coffee Break

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little
bottles of Evian water? 
Try spelling Evian backwards:NAIVE 
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2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section
in a swimming pool?  

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3.  OK ..... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the 
Tampa   Bay  Buccaneers are known  as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the 
Tennessee  Titans? 
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4.  If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea does that mean that one enjoys
it? 
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5.  If people from  Poland  are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland  called Holes? 
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7.  If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? 
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8.   Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to
begin with? 
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9.  Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives
a race car is not called a racist? 
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10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? 
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11.   If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it  follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,  models
deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? 
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12.  If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? 
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13.   Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?   
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14.   What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of  bald men? 
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15.   I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as
they get older; then it dawned on me ... they're cramming for their final exam.
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16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and
forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use?  Toothpicks? 
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17.   Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we
supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the
postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? 
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18.  If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the
others here for? 
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19.   You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 
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21.   Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? 
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22.   If a cow laughed, would she spew milk out of her nose? 
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23.   Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? 
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24. At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The'
and 'IRS' together it spells   ... 'THEIRS'?